Friends going through divorce mean well. We share our pain and experiences. We want to validate each other. We want to listen to each other. And we need to be conscious of what we say to one another, about each other’s co-parent in our lives. Deep down there can be a part of us that feels shame it did not work out. It may not even be deep down, but rather right on the surface. It also can drive us unconsciously do say things that deepen the shame.
You know that line of thinking that, “I’m allowed to comment on my relatives, but you are not?” If a co-parent needs to express negative aspects about a co-parent, the same rule applies. It is better to remain silent than even nod, let alone fire off your own perspectives, opinions, and especially jokes, about our friend’s co-parent. Otherwise, our divorced friends actually can feel worse because secretly it pains them that you would criticize also. Worse, this is your children’s father being spoken about. What if the children heard it?
I had a terrible experience yesterday when a friend said something that I went to sleep on without examination, and it woke me up in the night in a bucket of tears. It was a joke, but what pained me was the nature of the joke had to do with my co-parent’s age. I hope he lives a long, healthy life, so that my children have their father as long as possible. Did I say this to my friend? No. There’s a secret code among divorced women that you’re not allowed to violate the (socially deviant) code of never saying something nice about our co-parents. Because if you do, somehow it comes across as you’re betraying the whole point of why we all divorced.
My message here is: Keep quiet, find a new language among divorced friends, and use it. Maybe next time I’ll practice that. You know there will be plenty of opportunities ahead. Divorce — the socially acceptable anti-social behavior.
Soul Custody Press 